Today is mothers day. For some reason I woke up early.
Early... Early. 5 am early.
I thought about going back to sleep but decided against it. Instead I took advantage of my still, quite house with sleeping family members tucked away in their beds and I let my mind wander.
I thought about motherhood. I thought about myself as a mother.... And then I tired to differentiate myself from the role of a mother and I couldn't do it.
I became a mother so fast... I remember those scary first months of pregnancy and making a promise to myself and husband that we would stay young. That we would be good responsible parents and be true to ourselves and not miss out on our youth all at once. We knew it be hard, but that it would be possible, and I'm so glad we did this.
Then Zuri came screaming into this world.
Oh my little zu zu munchkin.....
I never knew love like that existed. It was a hard line to balance on the first year and half....Figuring out who I was as a mother, and a young 21 year old girl all at once.
But It clicked when I stopped listening to everything and everyone around me... When I stopped taking people's advice and started listening to myself and did what came naturally to me. Realizing that I, more than anyone else, knows exactly what's best for my child, myself, and my family was a huge milestone for me.
I think about those early years and laugh. Friends would call to hang out and we would go hang out... Zuri in tow always. She was our little buddie and remains to be this day. Our friends are her friends too.
I specifically remember one day in LA where it was just Zuri and I. We were riding down the elevator and Zuri was making me laugh... The doors open and she ran out to the security door man and was talking away with him like a little 25 year old.
I watched from a distance and just let her talk. She noticed I wasn't around and motioned me over, then proceeded to tell the door man "geez! My mom is a slooooow poke! Huh? Is your mama a slow poke?"
She was barely 2 years old.
I was in stitches from laughing... So was the guy. He bent down and picked her up and gave her a hug... She brightened this gangsta ass scary security guards whole day.
In that moment as I watched this little human I created smiling and laughing, and making other people happy...I remember thinking I want more of that. More babies. More motherhood. I want A sibling for her.
So them came Remi... My darling butterball bucket of smiles. All you have to do with Remi is make eye contact and she'll melt you heart with the best smiles.
Things were different this time around. I trusted myself as a mother more. I listened to my instincts and to my baby's cues instead of books and advice columns the 2nd time around.
I snuggle my babies all day some days. We have stake outs where it's just us three in bed and we do whatever we feel like.
When remi cries, I feed her. When she acts sleepy, I put her to bed. When she wants to be held, I hold her.
She still sleeps with us every night and I solely nurse her 24/7 with no hint a schedule in sight.
To me this is natural... It feels right. Who am I to tell this baby when she's hungry or sleepy? It's her job to let me know and its my job is to listen to her. She created her own routine naturally, and I'm blessed in a way that I can be a stay at home mom who's flexible enough to accommodate to her routine.
Am I spoiling her?... No. There's no such thing as spoiling a baby. If anything I'm spoiling myself... Soaking up all the sweet innocent angelic moments I can before she grows up too fast.
Last night we went to In n Out... Just me and brons and the girls. It was the first time we have gotten Zuri her own meal other than a kids meal. The first time she has eaten cheeseburger.
Oh no...I'm crying. And I'm rambling... I'm literally crying over the fact that my baby girl ate her own cheeseburger half way gone last night.
This is motherhood right? Ha ha.
Anyways, Remi had gotten ahold of a salt packet without us noticing and dumped the whole thing in her mouth.... It was our normal chaotic messy meal time, but I realized something and I turned to brons and said "I really like our babies.... They are the funniest, coolest people I know."
And I wasnt lying.
Beyond loving my children unconditionally... I really do like them too. Everything about them. They are amazing kids who make my world turn.
Motherhood is the single greatest blessing of my life.