It's very clear to me all of a sudden how far I've fallen from myself over the last year.
I can't say when or how this happened. It's been happening so slowly that I didn't even realize anything was really changing, but overtime I stopped being my best self. I have felt private, bored, un-inspired, uninterested...the list goes on. And it's not me.
I think it took a round of earth shattering, rock-bottom-hitting sickness to wake me up from the comfortable trap I've created for myself....and the hard part about this is that once you're awake-you stay awake.
Awareness is a double edged sword, isn't it? Once you know better then you do better, right? The flip side of this is that you have actually have to change your behavior.
If the only constant in this life is change, then why is it so damn hard? Why is it scary? Why does it feel like a huge burden to get everyone around you to accept your change?
I read the other day about a friend of mine, Jenna (you can follow her journey on Instagram. Username: JennasKitchen), who is changing her diet for the better. She's eating whole food and cutting out the crap while documenting it, and feeling so healthy and amazing. Yet certain people are giving her flack. Not everyone of course, but it's clear that people are uncomfortable with her change (even though it's obviously a change for the better) and have voiced their opinions. They're uncomfortable with her bettering herself and her family because it's different than what they're used to.
She said something poignant.
She sees that this push back towards her healthy lifestyle change from certain people is fear driven. It's not that they want her to fail, or to be unhealthy, but people are afraid of what they don't know.
How will this affect our friendship? Will we be able to hang out as much? What if she wants me to change?
You get it. Fear driven.
Change sparks fear.
It sparks fear in me. But just as much as I know I need routine, I absolutely know I need adventure. I know I need to laugh more... To be silly more. I know that the work:life ratio in our house has been seriously out of whack for the last year, and I know that we, as a family, need to find a way to spend more quality time together. I know I need to exercise, meditate, and eat healthy daily.
So I'm getting back to these basics. This is my starting point.
It's making waves. I'm not going lie, but I can't help of thinking of my two little girls seeing me day in and day out. I have one shot only at being a good example to them. I get no do overs. I will never get Zuri at 5 and Remi at 2 again. What's truly best for them is being my best me--at all times.
So, I'm doing this.
Wish me luck.